Validating vs invalidating employees
For example, let's say I am traveling with someone and I say I am afraid someone could come into our room and steal my laptop computer if they keep leaving the door unlocked. If you are aware of any scientific research on invalidation and the connection between it and later emotional problems, please let me know. Recently, I had a few situations to come up that called for some comfort from my friends. A few came through for me in just 'being there'..others took it as their cue to 'give advice'..believe me, it only made the situation worse. I don't make the habit of asking my friends for advice....believe me.If they tell me "don't worry", then I am more worried, because they are not taking my fear seriously and they may just keep leaving the door unlocked. I am a 'thinking' person and only need some time and to get things off of my chest. I do not tell my friends about a situation in order for them to come up with ways in which to tell me how to 'get through it' or 'how to think about it' or how to look at it.) A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. Now I am wondering,..someone says, "Don't think so much," how does one do that?He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotional brain-- one of nature's most basic survival tools. To me that is like telling a fish not to swim so much or an artist not to draw so much. I know there are many ways other people try not to think so much.In abusive homes, they may have been severely punished for expressing certain thoughts and feelings. Basically, for me, I just need to talk..type...'get it out'..I can look at it, process it, deal with it, begin the healing, and move on.Self-injury is probably the result of many different factors. The very best words a friend can ever say to me is "I'm here for you if you just need to talk".
I have also heard them say things like: "He cries at the drop of a hat." One teacher said "When she starts to cry, I just ignore her and eventually she stops." Another said, "When one kid's crying is disrupting the lesson, I tell them to go cry in the hall till they can pull themselves back together again."When I am worried about something and I tell someone who is involved in the situation and they say "Don't worry," I actually feel more worried. Maybe she will feel resentful or hurtful towards me.
Among them: Lack of role models and invalidation - most people who self-injure were chronically invalidated in some way as children (many self-injurers report abuse, but almost all report chronic invalidation). My close friends know that I am not coming to them for answers..... And sometimes, my good friends will 're-state' what I've already said, or re-phrase it....letting me know they 'got it'...understood me...heard me.
So I suppose they think they can tell someone how to feel and, then like magic, that will work, too.
This is because I can tell they don't take me and my feelings very seriously. I hope that in any case she can identify her feelings. At the time I first wrote this was my own hypothesis.
I see that they are not going to do anything to help prevent what it is that I am worried about. That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.) I was only kidding. For me, for example, I recently realized how important it is for me to realize when I am feeling hurtful, because if I think about it that way I realize I don't want to hurt someone I love. Later I was informed of the definition of "borderline personality disorder" which is based on invalidation.